Tuesday, December 24, 2013

One of the best Christmas movies ever

Maybe not as good as Bad Santa or that one with Ralph who wanted the BB gun but those are movies that everybody's already seen. Not everyone has seen Santa's Slay yet. The intro alone is one of the greatest scenes ever filmed. I rented this movie once from Blockbuster and liked it so much that I just never took it back. Fuck Blockbuster anyway. But I don't know where that movie is right now so I have to watch it on Youtube.

Since it is Christmas Eve I guess I'll give you something.

Card Game
Using a regular deck of cards.
Turn one card. This is how many sets you're going to do.
Before each set you turn another card and that will be how many reps you're going to do. A Joker is a set to failure.

Beyond that everything else is up to you. You can take as long or as short of rest periods as you want. You can change weights between sets, or not. You can even change exercises or exercise variations between sets. It might not seem like it just reading about it but it's a pretty versatile game.

For the advanced version, the first card you flip is going to be how many exercises you'll do. Then you continue as you normally would, flipping for sets and reps on each exercise. On an unlucky day you might end up doing 10 exercises for 10 sets each so save it for a weekend or any night when you know you've got it pretty easy the next day at work.

If you don't have a deck of cards around, buy one at the fucking dollar store. What's wrong with you? In the meantime you can use dice.
You'll only need one but you can use more if you've got them lying around. This will limit your numbers to between one and six rather than one to 10 but you'll more than likely end up using more weight so it works out either way. That is unless you ever went through a really nerdy phase and actually own dice with more (or less) than six sides.

I did. I think I had two or three sets of them for a while. I don't know where they are now though. I even had the 100-sided die, which was totally fucking useless.
The first time I ever played this game I had planned on using dice but I couldn't find any so I went with cards instead. The end result is ultimately pretty much the same.

Anyway there you go. And if you're feeling particularly badass, or you're just limited on weights, you can use the dice or cards to decide how many minutes a set will last rather than how many reps. Entirely up to you. You can't cheat at this game. I do recommend that you try though.

 Merry Christmas.

Happy birthday tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Getting Up Off The Couch

I have a certification in standing up off the couch. I've held off on giving them out to anyone else because, quite frankly, this is top secret stuff and I'm very tempted to keep it to myself.

But for a limited time I will be selling a 10-page booklet which contains all my notes and diagrams collected on the subject over a period of more than 30 years (a $99 value)

Also for a limited time, you can upgrade to my book and DVD package (a $999 value)
The DVD contains live, real-time demonstrations of most of my advanced techniques, along with tips on avoiding injury and various progressions from beginner to intermediate to advanced. There is also a section containing several routines with detailed explanations on sets, repetitions, and exercise combinations.

For a limited time you can get all this for just $29.99 for the book only or $299.99 for the book and DVD.

If you're really lucky, my fingerprints will be on it (a $99 value). But for an extra $25.00, I'll sign the fucking thing (a $999 value).
You'll be able to show it off to your friends!

The above offer is not actually real. Feel free to send me cash, cheques or money orders but do understand that you will receive nothing in return.

Monday, September 9, 2013

School Bullshit

Twice last week I saw this picture posted on Facebook. I'm actually surprised it wasn't more times but all I can guess is that enough people realised right away that it's stupid so it faded away. I'm sure I'll see it again though.

This is a stupid picture. There are no two ways about it. It's fucking stupid. Anyone who shares this picture trolling for Likes is clearly an imbecile. Either that or they just never went to class. Either way, all that shit was covered in school. With the exception of voting everything up there was covered in high school math. I honestly don't remember much about politics being covered until college and I understand not everyone goes to college or university but still. "How to vote?" That's not exactly rocket science, is it?

As far as the Pythagorean theorem goes, I used to use it all the time back when I was framing houses in my late teens so I, for one, am glad I know it. Every carpenter probably knows it and I really doubt that carpentry is the only trade that needs it.

Basically, anybody who would wear that T-shirt is a moron.

Here's another one I've seen posted and I've seen this one a lot. So I guess it implies that school isn't fair because everybody's different and will have different strengths and skills. Well, life isn't fair! OK, so the monkey and the bird are going to ace this exam and everybody else is going to flunk. Too fucking bad. There are certain things everybody needs to learn and be capable of because that's just how society works. Fit in or fade out. You don't have to like it. People who can't read or problem solve are going to have bigger problems in their adult life than they ever did with not enjoying basic subjects in school. The implication set forth in this picture is a gross exaggeration anyway, lets face it.

Now, I hated school just as much as anybody else so I'm not trying to say that I was some fantastic student or anything. I definitely wasn't. I used to get suspended all the time and the biggest lessons I remember from my experience in school are that 
1. Might makes right and 
2. Ugliness is a crime.

To a lesser extent I learned that popularity is the most important thing you can strive for, you can never let anyone know how poor you really are and virginity is for losers.

Yeah, real important stuff, I know. But the fact remains, it's a process everyone in the civilized western world goes through. So whatever you didn't learn, it was probably your fault.

Saturday, September 7, 2013


Lately I've been reading old issues of Sergio Aragones' Groo The Wanderer to my daughters. I forgot how much I used to like those comics. Any of the ones I have are from around the mid to late 90s but it's surprising how the messages and morals contained within the stories are still very relevant.

I hate ninjas and apparently so does Groo. Ninjas only exist for the sole purpose of getting beat up.

I'm tempted to go find the back issues I'm missing at one of those comic book stores and try to complete my collection now but I have no idea how expensive that would be and I think it's going to rain today anyway.

The girls still like Batman too. They've got my wife making them Robin and Catwoman costumes for Hallowe'en.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

No real reason for posting this other than it's awesome and if I uploaded it anywhere else it would have been automatically shrunk down in size.

A bunch more pictures just for the Hell of it.

Sunday, September 1, 2013


The next big craze in greed is going to be knowledge. The more of it you have, the less of it you believe and the more of it you want.

Money will eventually be so scarce that it will become more or less obsolete. A few small groups will have it. All of it.

Everyone else will just work to stay alive. They'll never have more money than they need and they'll need all that they have so they'll end up not putting much value on it.
Knowledge, on the other hand, will be highly respected and prized. And for a long time it will be easily acquired and traded freely.
People will begin hoarding it. They'll all want more than anybody else. And they'll covet what knowledge anyone else gotten to first. Whoever controls the knowledge will control the population. So they'll attempt to devalue some bits of it in order to increase the value of others. They'll collect what's valuable and discard what isn't, decreasing its value even further. Next thing you know there will be small pockets of knowledge hoarders each proclaiming their own collection as the definitive "best" and "most valuable." Population control is important so certain groups will want to kill the others in order to monopolize the knowledge and ultimately assert more control.
Somewhere along the line it will be necessary to try and stop the free flow of knowledge. Each group will need to convince their share of the population that they have all the knowledge they need and there is no need to acquire anymore. They will have to stop accepting new knowledge to avoid any internal conflict. Troublemakers will be made examples of and then publicly executed.
I have a feeling things like this are cyclical and a few hundred or thousand years later we'll be back to chasing money again. But as for right now, people are probably more easily manipulated by controlling their knowledge rather than their money. More and more people are starting to hate money. But more and more of them are starting to love knowledge. It's all about the times.

Thursday, August 29, 2013


Sapiosexuality is a fetish that I see more and more people on Facebook claiming to have. Some of them might even make believe they have it in real life; I don't know. It apparently means that you're sexually aroused by intelligence, whatever the fuck that means. That's probably not the stupidest thing I've ever heard but lets face it, it's definitely up there. What I think is that people are posting this with the hope that they themselves will be seen as intelligent by default. And they want all the "intelligent" people on their "friends" lists to Like it so that they too can pass themselves off as intelligent.

 "Hey, everybody! I'm really smart over here! 
I fucking love science and everything! 
Like this post if you also feel like I'm (I mean you're) really, really smart too!"

For some reason this reminds me of the slutty, duck faced selfie-whores that pretend they're into "geeks" by posting skanky pictures of themselves wearing glasses or  posing next to some kind of Star Wars or video-game paraphernalia. These douchebags aren't into geeks. They just know that geeks make very easy targets. The word geek isn't even used properly anymore. It used to mean someone who was so awkward and/or ugly that he or she was socially intolerable. Now it just means someone who is kind of cute, possibly somewhat introverted, and maintains a strong attachment to all the stuff they used when they were kids as a substitute for actual human interaction. Toys, comic books, video games, movies, etc. It's cool to be a geek nowadays, so long as you've got the right looks, fashion sense, etiquette, wit, charm and politically correct opinions. It's no different from being part of any other clique. "Geek" is a social statement now. The people we used to call geeks are even worse off now then they were 20 years ago. They're completely off the social radar. They may as well not even exist. That's not entirely true. The reality is that they're the ones running and maintaining the media that keeps our modern, popular "geeks" in contact with each other. They're also the ones who fucking do science instead of just "fucking loving" it, for whatever that might be worth.

Anyway my guess is that sapiosexuality probably wasn't even a word 10 years ago and is, at present, something that only exists online.

So I'm actually expected to believe that anyone is legitimately turned on by intelligence? Like if your waitress can add up the bill in her head, Rain Man style, you're gonna pop a boner even if she's really ugly? Fuck off with that. I guess you jerk off to university lectures instead of porn too. Claiming to be sexually aroused by something is not the same thing as being attracted to it. Attraction I could see. Like if your waitress is really pretty and then she adds up the bill in her head and you think, "Wow, she's smart too! I should ask her out."
The arousal thing, on the other hand, would be creepy and weird in real life. Get the fuck over yourselves already.

Her actual boyfriend would happily beat the shit out of you just to make his buddies laugh. 
She would happily watch.

Well let me tell you something. If sapiosexuality was a real thing I would definitely have it. I am that fucking smart. I'm so God damned smart I would only be attracted to women with quadruple digit IQs who spoke multiple languages that I can't even understand. I'd have a whole harem of these bitches because I'm so fucking smart that just one woman genius would never be enough for me. I wouldn't even be interested in physical intercourse at all. We would just sit around next to a huge fireplace reading books and discussing everything we hate about movies while we masturbated to the rhythm of classical music until the floor was flooded up to our ankles in cum. I'd be the most sapiosexual motherfucker around.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Cowapalooza Strongman Contest

Cowapalooza Strongman Contest
Woodstock, Ontario
August 17, 2013

So I did another strongman contest today. No weight classes this time, just two open classes. One for men and one for women. I knew going in that I was going to be the smallest competitor so I wasn't expecting to win anything but the first event was an axle deadlift for max weight and I just really wanted to find out how much I can deadlift on an axle right now when the pressure is on.

The last time I did an axle deadlift in competition it was way back in 2006 and I managed 480 with a rising bar format.

I didn't win that contest but I won that event and I was very proud of that lift. I had been training for it for a while and I really wanted to get 500 lbs that day. I wrote the number 500 on the wall behind my machine at work and told all my friends and family that I was looking for 500 lbs in this event.

I already had the win with 480 but I asked for 500 anyway, just because I really wanted it that bad. Here's how that turned out:

If I could have just gotten it past my knees I could have gotten away with hitching it because hitching is legal in strongman but I just couldn't pull it far enough. So while I was happy with 480 and the fact that I won that event, I've always wanted to deadlift 500 lbs on an axle in competition. And today was my chance.

In today's contest it was a rising bar format again but instead of having to attempt every weight, you had to choose three attempts like in powerlifting. The weight started at 305 and went up 20 lbs at a time. I chose 445 as my opener.
Ridiculously easy and I felt like I should have shot for more.
For my next attempt I went for 505, which was as close to my goal for the day as I could get with the 20 lb weight increases.
While this was also easier than I expected it to be, I tore a callus off and didn't notice until I walked away.
For my third and final attempt, I went for 545. I figured since I had already hit my 500 lb target I might as well aim high and see what I could do.
Yeah, that was a mistake. Looking back, I should have gone for 525 instead. Oh well.

The next event was an axle press for reps with 215 lbs. Those wheels are bolted into place on the axle so they don't turn at all. I've never used non-revolving weights before so I was a little unprepared for the "clean" portion of this lift.

That continental was tough. The press itself was comparatively easy but I didn't get any points for it because I couldn't stand still long enough. That was disappointing but I told myself going in that I would be happy as long as I could get just one rep and as far as I'm concerned I did. I've got a nice bruise across my ribs from those continentals. That bar was ridiculous.

Third event was a combination of duck walk and sled pull. The duck walk was 301 lbs and I did that easily. The sled pull was 455 lbs and I was barely able to budge the fucking thing. It was way harder than I thought it was going to be.

Unfortunately I lost a few more calluses during that sled pull. My hands took a beating today.

The final event was a farmer's walk with 231 lbs per hand. That weight would have normally been well within my ability but with so many calluses having been torn off my hands, it turned out to be not easy at all. I could barely hold on to the handles.

This moment here is when I ripped whatever calluses I had left off of both hands.

I don't know why my hands were so uncooperative today. It was very frustrating to say the least. Pretty painful too. Especially when I wash them.


Oh well, it was a fun day anyway and you don't get any stronger by not competing. I'll chalk it up as experience. I didn't expect to win but I didn't expect to lose chunks of flesh out of my hands either. I'm disappointed but I haven't been competing as much as I used to these past couple of years so maybe that's what I get for allowing myself to go soft. Maybe I should start soaking my hands in pickle juice or something.

That's all the competitors from the men's division today. 
You can see that the next smallest guy is still at least 40 lbs heavier than me if not more.

I came in dead last but it wasn't a total loss. Considering I took this contest for the sake of only one event and surpassed my goal for that event by five lbs. I'll relish in that small victory over the next few weeks while I'm waiting for the skin to grow back on my hands.

On a side note, I also went out with the wife to see Kick Ass 2 tonight. Good movie. I think I liked the first one better but that's probably because the sequel lacked much of the shock value that the first one had. Not taking anything away from it though. I definitely liked it.